The Return of the Central Ohio Cycling Club Group Rides

While the sky may be dark and while the rain may be omnipresent and while (yes, I know this is a run-on sentence) the rumbling of thunder is all around and the fields are flooded..., I hear a rumbling of big news coming down the pike!!!! Yes, my few friends, I am returning to OHIO...ok, that's not what you wanted to hear so....yes, we are on the cusp of THE RETURN OF THE CYCLING CLUB'S GROUP RIDES!!! Super Duper Important Information in Anticipation of the Momentous Event for the Newbies:
There are four groups; C, B, A and the Riveters. The Riveters depart promptly at 6:00pm with the remaining groups departing in 3 minute intervals. Parking and departing is behind Veloscience/Philip Heit Center. Yes, it is exciting stuff to mingle with the greats of central Ohio cycling but try to act cool, don't ask for autographs and follow the rules described below.
Groups: Riveters: For those of you who can maintain an average of 23+mph for the duration of the route. A Group: Something less than the Riveters and populated by way too many who ought to be in the Rivet group. B Group: 18-20mph average. Sometimes there are two B groups, the 2nd one traveling at a slightly slower pace. C Group: To be clear, I have no direct knowledge of how fast these people go but hear in the 15-17mph range.
Rules:
1. Shady Spots-- Never, ever park your vehicle in a shady spot, few that there are, if any. Generally, these spots are reserved for Riveters and guest celebrities to socialize prior to the ride.
2. Ride Leaders--There will usually be a ride leader for the C group but none for the other groups. When it is time for your group to depart, someone will scream, "OK, X group can go now." and if that is your group, depart the parking lot in an orderly manner. Those remaining in the parking lot after all but the C riders depart, will follow the C ride leader who will shepherd you around the route, dispensing knowledge and expertise. This is a congenial group and if you are new to cycling, this is for you. If you are not new but just not that speedy, this too is your group.
3. Regrouping--None in the Rivet group and don't even ask. The A group will regroup for a few seconds, 1-3 times depending on the difficulty of the route. The B group will pause longer and regroup 2-4 times. The C group is a no drop group.
4. Talking--There is no talking in the Rivet group. Only grunting, spitting, sharp elbows to the ribs, etc... Talking is for before and after the ride only. Talking is allowed in the A group but topics must be confined to explaining why you are slumming by riding in the A group rather than with the Riveters. You may also talk about the pro peloton, racing and diet. The B group gets its jollies by jeering those who fall back from the A group so if this happens to you, you ought to abandon the route and solo back to the parking lot, avoiding the jeering crowd. Otherwise B'ers talk about different things when breathing permits. The C group carry on lengthy conversations about wide ranging topics but never about politics. Nothing gets you shunned faster than bringing up politics.
5. Cookies & Treats--Within the group there is the Cookie Lady, Kristie B, who will occasionally provide post ride goodies from the trunk of her car.