As background, late last season, Peggster, Donna and Craig quit as Tuesday Canal ride leaders. The mental strain of dealing with us vulgar and uncouth parking lot types had gotten to be too much for the high-brow crew. This was understandable and I thanked them for their sacrifice. Over time, a new team of ride leaders was formed, Mitch O (holdover from last year's team), Kevin H, Steve O and me. All was well until the follow email was sent out from Mitch O that began with the sentence:
Given that I will be in charge of the Tuesday night ride series out of Canal Winchester, I demand the following :
I was a little put off by this approach and what followed was a series of edicts that has forced me to put his self appointment as the leader of the ride leaders to the test. Below are his demands with my counter ideas. Please comment on which platform you prefer, Mitch's or mine?
Mitch: A special spot will be set aside for whoever is that evenings ride leader. Mark: Ride leaders are no better than everyone else. The ride leader must park in whatever spot is available, even if by the dumpster behind Shades or next to Jeff S where you might be subjected to a naked man changing in his van.
Mitch: There must be a limit to perfume and colonge use.
Mark: Appropriate amounts are allowed per person except for Kevin, who can continue to use a pint.
Mitch: All riders must leave the parking lot in the clockwise direction and exit from Shade's driveway.
Mark: We will ignore the parking lot arrows and leave in any direction we damn well please.
Mitch: Certain riders are no longer allowed to complain about not being in peak form prior to the ride.
Mark: Respect comes with age so Poobah can say what he wants and so too can Amanda.
Mitch: At promptly 5:55, the sign-up sheet will be put away and anyone arriving after that time will not be allowed to ride.
Mark: Hey, things happen, if you're late, I'll leave an extra map for you and continue to enable your late arriving habit.
Mitch: People under the age of 21 are not allowed to ride with us.
Mark: I encourage anyone to ride as long as they are fit enough to hang with the A, B or C group and observe unwritten rules about showing appropriate respect for those of us who still think we are strong but have not been for several years. I have experienced worse humiliations than getting thrashed by a 16-year-old.
Mitch: I ain't no babysitter so no newbies allowed. In fact, I'm not sure I like the C riders showing up either.
Mark: New riders should be encouraged to participate because it is from their ranks that the next "Mark" will appear....ok, maybe Mitch is correct on this one.
Mitch: Only cycling clothing can be worn, no T-shirts or jean bottoms.
Mark: Agree except the Kenda Janet rule is in effect: Bizarre preride clothing is allowed. Also the Dennis Rule--see through cycling shorts are not allowed.
Mitch: We will leave the parking lot in 3 minute intervals in groups of A, B and C groups. Groups will stay together until the final mile when one sign sprint is allowed back into Canal.
Mark: We will leave the parking lot in 3 minute intervals in groups of A, B and C groups. At least one rider wearing a Walker jersey will sprint after leaving the stop light, disappear around the corner at Waterloo, blow up within 5 miles of the start and take a shortcut. Meantime, Da Boss, having overtaken the Walker-dude and leading a group of hanger oners will splinter the group and many of us will ride alone, all season long.
Mitch: Stop Sign Jumpers will be pulled off the bike and beaten, with rear wheels slashed as a parting gift.
Mark: I celebrate the risk takers who like to see if they can pull the unalert into the path of an oncoming car.
Mitch: Certain protocol must be obeyed for group harmony.
Mark: It is ok for Poobah to sit in until a village sign appears on the horizon, cut on the inside and sprint to victory. It is ok for Steve to go for the two bagger, a shot of spit that hits 2 of us in the face. It is ok for those of us over the age of 50 to never take a pull.
Mitch: We will use the Thursday COP route strategy.
Mark: Will will have a variety of routes.
Well, there is our respective platforms. Please vote in the comment section if you prefer my ideas or Mitch's